How to make a stupid cook fall in love with you
by SnowyPrecipice
Summary: The commentary takes place in Zoro's mind, then in Sanji's mind. Zosan with humour/nonsense/fluff and a tinge of romance. Reviews loved!
1. Zoro's version

How to make a stupid blonde love cook fall in love with you

_First, get his attention. For Zoro, the only way he knows how is…_

"Nami-san!~ Robin-chwan!~"

"Ditzy."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"The truth."

A foot to his face, narrowly missed. Now comes one of Zoro's favourite times of the day (other than battling Marines or sleeping). He gets to his feet, avoiding another kick and they launch into one of their usual fights, only to be stopped by an irate Nami who refuses to pay for any more damage to the ship.

Sanji shoots him a dirty glare and Zoro feels a strange sense of accomplishment, his stomach doing a funny dance.

But once a day isn't enough, so…

"Ah, mademoiselle, I've never met such a beautiful flower like – "

"Idiot."

Sanji's face looms right at his, and he ignores it as usual. "What did you say, _asshole_?"

"I didn't." He pauses for emphasis. "Your catch is going away." Both of you stare at the figure disappearing into the distance.

Sanji swears loudly and he attacks Zoro with an enraged vigour. This time, Nami lets them because they're on land, and the only things getting damaged are the trees (and she's also noticed Zoro's content little smirk every time they're done fighting, not that she wonders why.)

(((())))

_Next, make him feel good about himself, subtly, and hopefully get the gesture repaid._

Zoro is on deck, training a day after their battle at a Marine base. Chopper's probably going to get mad with him for removing his bandages so soon, but they're just too troublesome to keep on.

He smells the familiar scent that is the cook, and he contemplates asking him and his cigarettes to leave just for the fun of it, but he remembers his objective.

"You did a – 560 – good ass-kicking – 559 – yesterday." Zoro remarks casually as he lifts his weights.

An eye regards him suspiciously, but eventually seems to believe the compliment. "You weren't too bad yourself."

Zoro decides to give it another shot.

"And lunch was – 548 – tolerable." Zoro says.

Sanji scowls. "It's the best food you'll ever eat, shithead." He stalks off, cigarette dangling out of his mouth, and long legs striding along the deck.

That didn't go quite as well as Zoro hoped it would. He should have known the cook would be too dumb to read between the lines. He _was_ blond, after all. Zoro frowns.

"You're not the best cook _yet_, love cook." Zoro calls out, even pausing his training, making sure Sanji hears the most important part. His heartbeat quickens, wondering if his plan has failed, but Sanji turns his head and meets his eyes.

"And you're not the best swordsman _yet_, so keep training and shut your mouth, marimo." The blonde head turns back quickly, but Zoro sees the small smile.

Okay, on to the next phase.

(((())))

_Then, make your move. Note, this step may take more consideration than your patience spans, but it's the most crucial step._

Zoro isn't sure what he likes so much about Sanji, because they're completely different in most ways, unless he counted their inhuman fighting skills and loyalty to Luffy. But he _does_ like him anyway, and he wants Sanji to know.

Anyway, he's pretty sure Sanji will reciprocate, because he's always been the best at noticing things others don't. And no, that doesn't make him the slightest bit happy.

The problem is, he has no idea how to romanticize a guy. He doesn't have the remotest idea what Sanji will like when being wooed. He decides, after watching Sanji's countless (and useless) attempts at flirting, that he'll take the female role, while Zoro plays the man.

With that established (in his mind, anyway), he gets a bouquet of assorted flowers on the next island, then sneaks into the galley and places it on the kitchen counter.

He watches, with satisfaction, when they go to dinner and the flowers are in a vase. He notices Sanji surveying all his nakama's faces carefully, trying to get a hint.

His gaze first rests on Nami's face, as expected, but he gets a solid punch to the face when Nami thinks he's staring at her cleavage (which he probably did). He hurriedly skips the three idiots' faces, and comes to Robin. Zoro sees the skepticism, and with a skip of his heartbeat the blue eye finally comes to him.

With a considerable amount of shamelessness and confidence, Zoro meets his questioning stare directly. They look at each other for a few moments, before Zoro gives a suggestive smirk. Sanji's eye widens in shock, and for the whole dinner the cook avoids any more eye contact.

Zoro sighs inwardly. Maybe he was a bit too blunt, but that was the only thing he was good at besides fighting with swords. Now he'll just have to leave it up to the cook.

Falling for him probably wasn't the best idea Zoro had.

(((())))

_If the previous step is done successfully, wait for a response. If positive, rejoice in your mind and take further action. If not, train until the feeling goes away._

"Zoro."

"Huh?"

"Galley, now."

Zoro gets up and follows him, leaving his swords half polished. All he can see is the back of the cook, and with every step he takes his heart beats a little more furiously.

They reach the galley and Sanji shuts the door after Zoro, still not meeting his eyes. Is that a good sign?

"What the hell are these?" Sanji gestures to the vase of flowers. Zoro is pleased to see they are well taken care of even after a few days.

"Nice flowers." Zoro replies gruffly.

"_You_ sent them." Sanji says accusingly.

"What?" Zoro musters up a look of surprise, and he can see the fear in Sanji's eyes. A fear he knows too well, because he's feeling it right now.

He goes closer, their eyes locked.

"Y-you didn't?" Sanji stutters, and a faint pink hues his cheek.

"Would you want me to?" Zoro asks seriously, and Sanji is lost for words.

"Damn you." Sanji whispers, the pink darkening to a red.

"Same to you." Zoro growls softly, and he (finally!) gathers the cook in his arms and presses a firm kiss to Sanji's mouth. His mind goes delirious with bliss when he feels the lips kissing back.

Objective achieved.

(((())))

_The next step doesn't need words, just action._

It's been a week since they've gotten together. Everything is still normal, and they still fight as much as ever, but a lot of times during their fights…

"I'm tired of fighting." Sanji hisses under his breath. "I'm willing to expend my energy doing something else though." He's close enough to Zoro, and he tugs the swordsman's haramaki.

"Done, and done." Zoro mutters back.

And the next step commences.

(((())))

_Lastly, let him know you love him._

They are sitting in the galley after a meal, and they're the only two left there.

"Oi, cook."

An eyebrow arches, irritation in his eye. "Yes?"

"I wouldn't mind eating your food for the rest of my life."

A flicker of something else in the blue eye, and a wide smirk."You better mean that, marimo, 'cause I'll definitely be here."

And life is perfect.

* * *

_Oh god, mind my fluffiness, but I love writing it. 33 Anyway, all this takes place in Zoro's sub-conscious. I'll probably write a Sanji version next, thus supplementing Zoro thinking about the "hints" Sanji gave._

Comments always loved! Hope you enjoyed my nonsense. :D


	2. Sanji's version

How to make a shitty marimo fall in love with you

_The first thing to do is get noticed._

"Oi, marimo, time to eat." Sanji, for the umpteenth time, kicks Zoro square in the side of his torso and disrupts his nap.

He gets a menacing glare in return.

"Why do you always do this, you bastard?" Zoro growls but gets up, and Sanji does a happy dance in his head.

"Because I can." Sanji sneers. "And you need to eat, anyway." He adds for a nice touch.

Zoro doesn't reply, his sullen face betraying no other emotion, and Sanji wonders if his concern got through.

"Just fill me with food and let me get back to my sleep." Zoro grunts.

Sanji nods, a broad smile on his face. They walk to the galley in companionable silence.

At least, the peace lasts until the next meal time, when everything happens all over again.

(((())))

_Next, remind him regularly of your existence, at the same time acknowledging his._

Sanji sometimes wonders why Zoro never fails to interrupt his flirting or swooning, because no other male member of his crew does so (and resigned looks and sighs do not count).

But he doesn't think too much about it at first, because it gives him a good reason to have regular contact with the swordsman every day.

"Why, mon amour, if only I could grace your beautiful presence with – "

"Idiot."

He immediately loses all interest in the object of his (previous) affections and turns to Zoro, a ready scowl on his face.

"_What_ did you say, marimo?" He even adds in some contempt for effect.

"The kimono girl's leaving." Zoro ignores him and uses a thumb to point behind him.

Sanji sighs inwardly at Zoro's thickheadedness. Of _course_ he knows the girls walk away, obviously because he isn't paying them any attention anymore. But he doesn't let this chance go and he snarls, aiming a kick at Zoro's face.

He imagines Zoro gives a quick smirk, and they engage in one of their usual altercations.

Luffy stares at them from a distance, munching on a large watermelon. He cocks his head to one side, then looks at Nami.

"Nami, the more I look at them, the more I think they're having _fun_." Luffy says with his mouth full.

"FUN? They look like they want to kill each other!" Usopp's mouth shapes into a "O" with horror, while Nami thumps Luffy on the head for spitting seeds all over her.

"Just don't look." Nami gives a resigned sigh, and says no more.

(((())))

_Don't forget to have some tender, peaceful moments too. At least, as peaceful a co__nversation you can have with a numbskull._

"Do you honestly think all that ridiculous training is going to help much?" Sanji leans against the railings, watching Zoro lift supremely heavy dumb bells.

Zoro doesn't look at him. "That's why I'm better than you, cook."

Sanji ignores the obvious jibe.

"Whatever." He pauses. "Just remember not to skip lunch anymore." Sanji places a bento beside Zoro and turns to walk off, ignoring the crazy pounding in his ears. He doesn't want to see Zoro's lack of reaction, but…

"Oi, _love_ cook." Did Sanji imagine the emphasis on that word?

"What?" He says, turning his head back slightly.

"I was going to say your food helps, too." Zoro is smirking, but his eyes are serious, and Sanji forces himself not to blush. It's hard though, when the sunlight is hitting Zoro's bare torso just right, and the muscles are shining with a bronzed glow…

Sanji hastily turns away. "Just come for dinner, 'cause I won't be so nice again." He hisses.

He can _feel_ Zoro's chuckle reverberate through his body, and a shiver runs down his spine. He has heard Zoro snicker countless times, but this was totally different.

Somehow Sanji thinks Zoro's a little ahead of his plan.

(((())))

_The next step is the most important – acting upon your feelings._

Sanji is someone who gives a lot of thought when he does things. Like his exquisitely prepared food which requires much thought and pain, he often finds himself considering his feelings more frequently than men supposedly should.

So when he realized, with much repulsion, that he actually liked Zoro, he thought about it a lot. He was pretty sure Zoro was asexual, but after all the hints he has been getting over the past few weeks… He admits he isn't sure anymore.

The next stage is to make a move, but he really doesn't know how to let Zoro know. He thinks that the only way Zoro will understand is if he grabs him by the shirt, slams him against the wall, and let action do the talking for him, but Sanji isn't so _crude_.

At least, not initially. He has to do something else to let Zoro know first.

They dock at the next island, and everyone scatters to do their own things as usual.

Sanji returns the latest, arms full of groceries, Usopp and big-Chopper next to him and pouting (only because the stupid marimo was nowhere to be found, so he _had_ to get someone else to help).

He glances up at the Crow's nest, knowing Zoro's probably napping up there. He enters the galley, prepared to cook an amazing dinner (though all his meals are amazing, he thinks to himself), but halts at the door.

Flowers?

He places the groceries by the cutting board and picks up the bouquet for a better look. He isn't sure what the flowers mean at all, because there are so many different kinds. Being such an experienced ladies' man, he has made it a point to remember what each flower means, and this gift is sending mixed messages.

He lights up a cigarette to think.

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches sight of two roses nestled in the middle, and his mind kicks into high gear.

During dinner, he carefully studies his nakama's faces for a clue, and of course, he looks at his orange-haired love first. But this earns him a painful punch when he gets distracted (as always) by her cleavage. It was a natural reaction! He rubs his jaw.

He immediately skips Luffy (who's too busy stuffing his face anyway), Chopper and Usopp, thinking their idea of a romantic gift would never be flowers, and leaves it at that. He glances at Robin, doubting her even before he did, and almost rolls his eyes at the thought of Franky being responsible.

With a skip of his heartbeat, he finally looks at Zoro.

And Zoro returns the stare almost simultaneously. They lock eyes for longer than Sanji is comfortable, but he is waiting for a sign…

Zoro smirks, looking pointedly at the vase, and Sanji almost faints.

Flowers and stupid green-haired swordsmen do _not_ go together.

(((())))

_If the previous step is accomplished, or in this case, happens without you having to lift a finger, think._

That damn marimo beat him to it.

And of all the things in the world, _flowers_.

Like Sanji was a _woman_.

He likes the flowers anyway, because he is a _man_ who knows how to appreciate beauty. And what idiot gives assorted bouquets when sending this kind of message for the first time, anyway? A stupidly romantic one, Sanji decides.

Sanji has spent the last few days thinking. Okay, the first one was spent sulking about his plans being wholly disrupted and that Zoro was clearly ahead of him. The next two were contemplation and a lot of awkward looks.

He finally musters up all the courage he has and looks for Zoro. Ah, there he is, polishing his swords on the deck. He walks up to him, his heart almost thumping out of his ribcage.

"Zoro."

"Huh?"

"Galley, now."

He abruptly turns and stalks off to the galley, quickening his pace. He is pleased to hear Zoro is keeping up not far behind him.

They reach the galley and Sanji holds the door open for Zoro (absurdly thinking their roles are reversed, but slapping himself mentally because both of them are _men_), slamming it close afterwards.

"What the hell are these?" Sanji indicates the vase of flowers. He notices Zoro's content little smirk and wonders if he's happy that the flowers are still in splendid shape.

"Nice flowers." Zoro replies sullenly.

"_You_ sent them." Sanji says accusingly, wanting to punch some reaction into Zoro, but refrains himself.

"What?" Zoro looks surprised, and Sanji's heart literally stops. Was he wrong, the whole time? Has he been reading too much into things? He lets some fear show in his eyes because he can't control his emotions.

Then he notices the flicker of amusement in Zoro's eyes and he almost cries out in relief. The relief turns to anger, because it's proof that Zoro is definitely ahead of Sanji in his game.

Zoro nears, their eyes locked the whole time.

"Y-you didn't?" Sanji stammers, because his mouth isn't working properly, and he can't stop himself from blushing. He knows the answer, anyway.

"Would you want me to?" Zoro asks seriously, and Sanji is lost in those dark, dark eyes.

"Damn you." Sanji whispers, feeling his cheeks grow hotter. He's feeling inexplicably mad with the swordsman, for playing him like this and for beating him to this.

"Same to you." Zoro growls softly, and his arms pull Sanji in, close to his body. Sanji wants to protest, but melts readily when he feels Zoro's mouth on his. He drowns in the warmth and bliss, kissing back, and the arms close tighter around him.

Maybe his plan was meant to be disrupted all along, because this felt so deliciously _right_.

(((())))

_This part of the failed plan is something even you can't screw up_.

They are engaging in their daily fist fight, a week after they got together, when Sanji sets the next stage in motion.

"I'm tired of fighting." He hisses to Zoro when he gets near enough. "I'm willing to expend my energy doing something else, though." He pulls at Zoro's haramaki, hoping his suggestion got through the thick skull.

Zoro smirks. "Done, and done." The low rumble of a voice sends an excited chill through Sanji.

_Finally_, Sanji thinks.

(((())))

_Lastly, let him know you love him._

Zoro has his own warped way of letting Sanji know he loves him, but Sanji is different.

When they are sitting together in the darkness of the storage room, Sanji leaning into Zoro's hold, he turns his head and presses his mouth into the crook of Zoro's neck.

"I love you, shitty marimo." He whispers so softly that for a moment he thinks Zoro did not hear him.

An arm slides around his waist.

"I know." Zoro grunts, and Sanji wants to kick him for spoiling the moment, but…

Warm lips kiss him. "I love you, too."

And life is perfect.

* * *

_Uhh, Sanji's more fluffy, because he's Sanji? :X And his version is longer too, because he thinks more than Zoro. :D_

Comments always loved. 3 Hope you enjoy reading!


End file.
